An ode to Brenden

Ahhh. Brenden the Broflake who I didn’t even argue with on the internet. I just didn’t. He came in swinging, howling, being hurt. My not arguing was thus invalidating him in whatever position it was he was upholding (no one from that conversation actually knows).  I didn’t argue. I was obtuse. I didn’t respond to him at all. I did wow dog meme his nonsense.

Here are his very own words about me – as I cast them back to him in prose. I hope you appreciate it more than he did. There was a deeply lyrical quality to his insults and the things he made up. I am just sad he deleted his really good stuff before I got it copied…. Very prose. Such Sook. Wow.

Also, he kept threatening to flounce off, and yet did not. I was much dissapoint.

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An ode to Brenden

My most ADD moment ever

I used to take Ritalin regularly after my ADD diagnosis.

I kept it in my purse.

One day, I thought, “Oh, I must take my Ritalin.”
I opened my purse, forgot what I was doing, took out a $2 coin, put it in my mouth…. Oops. I didn’t mean to do that.

I then took the coin from my mouth, wiped it off, put it back in my bag, and forgot to take my Ritalin.

All a very good example of ADD brain in action, really.

My most ADD moment ever

Jessie’s Girl – fixed it

Jessie’s girl is a horrible song. Imagine you are actually the woman dating Jessie and his best mate is constantly creeping on you.

Fixed it.

Jessie’s my boy fried,
And, I know he’s really sweet sometimes
But lately something’s changed
It ain’t hard to define
Jessie’s got this mate and he watches me all the time
And he cracks it when I look at Jesse
And sulks when we fuck and lets me know it! Continue reading “Jessie’s Girl – fixed it”

Jessie’s Girl – fixed it

Corporate Hijinks

In 2001 i was working for a company that came down hard with a new WET WASTE policy. Someone got a notice telling them off for putting something damp in their bin.

What i did after they got this first notice, was write up the one below and pop it on their desk.

I also rewrote the policy in detail and posted it around the office. It was in the same font as the Original. It caused both confusion and giggles.

I got into trouble for this but I didn’t give a shit then and i only just found the documents now so I had a laugh.

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Corporate Hijinks

Tram conductor days

I wrote this in 2010 for someone who was compiling stories from PT workers, I sent it to them.I never heard back from them or got a thanks or any comment, so I thought I’d publish it here. Tough love if they used it somewhere.

I was a tram conductor in the mid 90s. There is a world of difference between sitting on a tram as a passenger and working on one.  I have read descriptions of being in a war as being a lot of doing nothing and being bored, followed by short sharp periods of action. The same thing could have been said of being a tram conductor – the only real action was if you had a peak hour tram or you were nearing a train station at a peak time.

The rest of it, people came on and showed you tickets or you sold them one (paper tickets that you clipped) you either talked to the driver, read surreptitiously, or attempted conversations with passengers.

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Tram conductor days

Cyclops (a short story of a spectacle quest)

The Cyclops picked up a magazine from the pile on the coffee table and opened it.  The edges of the pages were creased with the imprints of hundreds of other people’s fingers.

He turned page after page, absorbing the details slowly, carefully.  Famous faces, dieting, having children, love nests, divorces, mug shots.

He recalled once, being taken to visit a cousin, who lived a day’s ride from Mt Etna, he’d listened to his relatives talking about their diets, having children, love nests, divorces. Wives being turned into spiders, Gods turning into swans and bulls.

Continue reading “Cyclops (a short story of a spectacle quest)”

Cyclops (a short story of a spectacle quest)